Blessings Abound

This has been a hard week on too many levels to articulate.

However, this morning, I was standing at my two-year-old's changing table, going through the motions, distracted by my thoughts of how all the hard stuff would turn out, and something pulled me away.

"Mama, I not just wet, I poopy?" My boy said inquisitively.

"Yes, O, you are poopy." I replied.

"Stinky poopy yucky," He said, again, in a questioning manner.

"Yes, honey, the poopy is stinky, but it's o.k."

"Love you mama." O uttered, this time with a definite and assuring tone.

"I love you too, baby," I replied, completely caught off guard, and irresistably pulled into connecting with my boy, rather than swirling around with the thoughts consuming my head.

In that moment, over a stinky diaper, I was brought back to all I have to be thankful for.

It didn't have to be this way.

I didn't have to have two healthy thriving little boys.

I don't come from a place where such blessings are unappreciated.

I am the only healthy child of three in my family.

One of only two surviving children.

I never thought it was possible for me to have healthy children. It's not that the health struggles my siblings have had to deal with are genetic, they are not. It's just that when one family is dealt such a challenging deck, you learn to play in the world of challenges, and that becomes your norm.

It took me a long time to get pregnant with the O, and I took it as a sign that it wasn't intended to be so. But then, three years after the trying began when we weren't even looking, we learned that I was pregnant with the O.

After the joy of discovering that I had a little being, my son, growing in my belly, I became consumed with waiting for the other shoe to fall. First it was waiting to miscarry. Then it was waiting for the level two ultrasound to reveal a fatal abnormality. Then it was waiting for a difficult emergency induction to result in life-altering changes.

And yet some how, some way, after all the waiting, we were graced with a healthy child. From the moment I first gazed upon my first-born, my baby boy, pink and howling with a strong, healthy cry, all that defined my past was put into perspective. All of the challenges of living a childhood filled with the constant uncertainty as to whether my siblings would share my tomorrows, and the frequent loneliness necessitated by more pressing needs, fell into its proper place in that moment.

The challenges of my yesterdays have undoubtedly defined who I am today. I don't take the dawn of any new day for granted, as I realize that for any one of us this day could be our last.
My siblings' struggles have taught me that a person is defined by their soul, not their abilities. I have learned that life is defined by relationships, not accomplishments.

The lessons of my history, and the blessings of my present, lend so much to be thankful for.

I just have to remember what my focus should be as I muddle through the hard times ahead.

Captured Memories

When Baby E was six weeks old we packed up our new family of four and headed out for family pictures.

While such an undertaking is typically crazy and stressful, Stacey Rainer, who is a mother of (six, I think) and a wonderful photographer in the Chambana area, made the experience an amazing one. She captured beautiful shots of our family in its natural state. Rather than trying to force us to pose, she shot away as I rocked and nursed Baby E, Mr. O munched on cookies she provided, and the Hubs read a story to Mr. O. It was a wonderful experience, and I'll treasure the pictures forever.

I invested the majority of our photo budget on prints for around the house, but I decided to shell out a few extra dollars for a disc of photos that I can use in a montage of Baby E's first year.

I thought I would share a few of those photos here. Stacey deserves the advertising, as limited as it may be on my humble blog. So if you're in the area and looking for an amazing photographer, consider her among your options.

Smiley Goose

We just returned from a wonderful family vacation to Colorado.


We had an amazing time, and yet I'm struggling to recover from the exhaustion that defines traveling with children.

Until I'm able to articulate some degree of insightful thought, I'll ask you to indulge me and agree that I truly have one of the happiest (and cutest) four-month-olds on record.

That smile, it melts me.

My first born from baby to little boy . . .

I just finished creating Owen's second year montage (i.e. my excuse for a baby book).

I think if you click on this link, you should be able to preview it. You can also compare it to his first year to see just how much my first baby has changed: http://www.onetruemedia.com/my_shared?z=f25131b2b721c5ba9cb6e&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url

While a part of my heart aches at the thought of how quickly the last two plus years with Owen have flown by, the boy he has become makes that same heart swell beyond measure. He can now express his love for me vocally, and through the most amazing hugs and kisses on earth. He is an incredibly affectionate and sensitive little boy, with one heck of a zest for life.

Kinda makes ya feel like maybe you are doing a little something right after all.

I'll post the start of Baby E's montage when it's complete.

Edited to add-at the same link you can find the start of Emmett's montage as well. Being that we're only at month 4 of his first year, there's still quite a bit of work to be done, but at least I'm not completely neglecting the poor second child.

New Day, New Do

We've had a busy weekend at Casa a la Sass. A trip to the Sweetcorn Festival, a trip to the Farmers Market to stock up on the waning summer produce, a return to Little Gym class, swimming, and dinner out with friends. We're trying to soak up the last of summer, while at the same time welcoming fall with open arms.

This morning the Hubs has taken Mr. O to a model airplane air show, Baby E is peacefully sleeping in his swing, and I am trying to remember what to do with moments of free time.

As promised, the above is a picture of the new do. I decided to hack my hair after concluding that I looked old. This decision was briefly reconsidered after a couple sitting next to us at Milo's told me I looked just like the U.S. Olympic gold-winning gymnast Nastia Leukin (ya know the tall willowy blond that is more than a decade younger than myself). I then glanced at their cocktails and decided not to flatter myself.

I completely love the cut--I can make it look messy, professional, or fun all in a few minutes time. I will ask you to show me some grace and ignore the bags under the eyes . . . still searching for the potential surgery-free answer to that problem.

I am in the midst of working on photo montages for the boys . . . it's my last-ditch effort to appear competent in recording at least snippits of their childhood, because Lord knows, they won't have baby books to look back on.

Easing Back In . . .

So the wonderful Quigs78 has allowed me to take a deep breath and slowly ease back into this blog thing via my first meme (Quigs you too stole my meme virginity, you lucky one).

So, here goes nothing.

5 Things About Meme

First, the foreplay-
1. Post the rules of the game at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they've been tagged and asking them to read the player's blog.
4. Let the person who tagged you know when you've posted your answer.

And, the real action-
What were you doing five years ago?
Five years ago almost to the day I was starting law school. I had just convinced my husband to move back to Champaign-Urbana from beautiful Denver, Colorado. We bought our first house (the same one we live in now, and the same one that remains one hell of a fixer-upper) in July of 2003, and I spent the entire month of July scraping wallpaper out of every room in the house, and painting every room as soon as the wallpaper was gone.

What are five things on your to-do list for today?
Well the day is nearly over, but on my to-do list was:
1. An early morning pro-bono court appearance on behalf of a juvenile delinquent's mother.
2. Drafting a dissolution (divorce) petition for a very sweet client who has found herself in a very unfortunate situation.
3. Negotiations on behalf of two different clients with two very complicated family law cases.
and switching gears
4. Purchasing a new Baby Bjorn with lumbar support (my 4-month-old is now a back-breaking 16 pounds) in preparation for our family vacation to Denver next weekend .
5. A trip to the Chambana Sweet Corn festival to introduce Mr. O to his first bounce house experience, and to indulge in some carney-food goodies (we went to the sweet corn festival and left without eating corn).

What are five snacks you enjoy?
1. pretzels (pretty much any kind)
2. popcorn (particularly Smart Pop Kettle Corn)
3. cheese-its
4. Kashi Go Lean Crunch
5. graham cracker sticks

What are five things you would do if you were a billionaire?
1. move the hell out of this fixer upper
2. establish a foundation to fund research for Huntington's Disease
3. hire a personal chef
4. ensure my children had a secure future
5. travel around the world

What are five of your bad habits?
1. worrying about things that are beyond my control
2. being extremely critical of myself
3. my tendency to cuss like a sailor
4. raising my voice at my husband when I'm angry
5. refusing to delegate/ask for help when needed

What are five places where you have lived?
1. Urbana, Illinois
2. Normal, Illinois
3. St. Louis, Missouri
4. Boulder, Colorado
5. Denver, Colorado

What are five jobs you've had?
1. lifeguard
2. waitress
3. nanny
4. newspaper reporter
5. attorney

Five people I tag:
Yeah, so being new to the blog thing (and an incredible loser), I don't know bloggers, so I don't know how this will go over, but here goes-
A Few Local Blogs I Enjoy Reading
1. Mrs. Chicken-http://www.mychickencheese.com/
2. LBOTP-http://lbotp.wordpress.com/
3. Larkin's Place-http://www.larkinsplace.com/
4. Pammiecakes-http://pammiecakes.blogspot.com/
5. And my fiend Angela (God bless her she has two sets of twins, 2 2-year-olds and 2 2-month-olds)-http://betterthanwedreamed.blogspot.com/

That was a lot of work. TO further the cause of easing back in after the trauma that was my blogging beginnings, tomorrow there shall be a plethora of pictures posted because I've neglected to take more than a handful of my poor new second child, and I just hacked all my hair off and I'm kind of digging it.

Gossip and the Lives It Destroys

I started this blog as an outlet, as writing has always been for me.

I hoped to be able to write what I could not eloquently speak, connect as my time has yet to permit, and relate in a way my mind and soul crave.

Just weeks after starting this blog, an entry regarding my very personal and intimate family struggles with my mom has apparently culminated in destruction beyond my wildest imaginations.

Apparently a few individuals assumed my struggles with my mother extended beyond my immediate family and that personal boundary that defines us . . . instead they assumed that such struggles permeated every aspect of her life.

In fact, that couldn't be further from the truth.

The reason I wrote that blog entry is that I felt so alone in my dance with my mom because her struggles are something very well confined to our private family space.

The struggles I shared were a personal reflection of what we as a family have had to deal with alone in that space where families struggle and hide . . . personal space.

But assumptions were made and then accusations, gossip was spread, and now my mom's job is on the line for being some sort of drunk or drug addict (never seen her do an illegal drug in my life) . . . and addiction is now rumored to affect her work life.

I can assure you that my mother's struggles at home have never permeated her work life. I speak with her at work on a near daily basis. We go to lunch frequently. My mom's work time is among the safe times when I know that I can always call on her.

All of this fallout is so ironic and overwhelming, and because this is an outlet (albeit now clearly a very public one), I'll take the opportunity to capitalize on my audience and address a few people.

To My Mom's Employer (you know who you all are)--
Since the day my mom decided to be candid and honest with you about her illness, you have been fighting for a way to get rid of her. Americans with Disabilities Act be damned, you have struggled to created problems where there were none, failed to document crucial communications that supported my mom's frustrations and points of view within the organization, denied her the staffing and administrative support necessary to run a growing and thriving medical practice, and forced her to take test after test to prove to you that she isn't a liability.

She passed all your fucking tests and instead of celebrating the competency and devotion of an amazing physician dedicated to medicine over money, you hung your heads and went back to the drawing board to go at her again.

You as an organization, and in particular a number of egotistical, sexist, and self-centered fucks have caused more pain and destruction than you will ever realize. You have caused my mom to shake with tears and sadness. You have brought her to the point of illness from the sheer exhaustion of constantly trying to battle back against your attacks. And yet, through it all, because of the love of her job, and the dedication to her patients, she still shows up every God damn day to work ready to give her all to the work that has defined her life. Ready to see the Medicaid patients that you have ordered her to turn away, because she knows that she is their only resource, and she refuses to put money in front of people (something you may occasionally consider yourselves).

How the individuals that hold the power in that organization are able to sleep at night defies reason.

To the Individuals Who Thought It Their Duty To Forward My Blog To Said Employer:

You may have cost my mom her job, and such a cost was completely unfounded.

You may have cost this community an incredibly valuable medical resource . . . God help you if such a unique illness befalls your own family and there is no one in place to come to your aid.

You may have cost me my relationship with my mother because now I admittedly am the source of struggles she deserves no part of.

You certainly have cost yourself a lot of dignity and credibility by fueling a sick game of "telephone," where the message you spread becomes so convoluted and unintelligible that it resembles nothing of its original form.

In closing . . .

I have read so many blogs from people out there in need . . . blogs in which the community comes together to rally around a little girl with Downs Syndrome, a woman who is struggling with infertility, or a couple who has lost their child.

Such support is what I sought in getting into all of this blogging bullshit.

Well my mom, she is in need. She has a terminal illness. It has not yet manifested its debilitating symptoms, thank God, but can you imagine knowing you were going to die and not being able to do a fucking thing about it? Can you imagine the distress that causes? The tendency to feel anxious and let your mind wander to the worst? Can you even conceptualize how you would react?

My mom has reacted by continuing to help others for as long as that is possible.

Sure, in her family time, in the sanctity of her own home, she sometimes gives into the struggles and distress. But those are our family struggles. Not yours.

To you, my mom gives her all.

From you, she deserves the same.